Fitting In


Honestly, I never thought I’d be a rapper. Just saying that out loud sounds weird to me. I’m a rapper. Who grows up to become a rapper? That’s just not really a respected career path in my neck of the woods. My mom’s not thrilled, for example.

But it’s true. I’m a fucking rapper. And I’m Jewish, and white, and pretty average looking. And I grew up in a suburban home right outside of Philadelphia. With outstanding parents, and a great backyard for grilling, wiffle-ball, and tanning.

So what am I supposed to rap about? If I tried to act cool, I would most certainly not come off that way. If I tried to act tough, it would be stupid.

Every single rapper raps about shit that I can’t relate to. And that’s when it clicked. Nobody can relate to rap at this point. Unless you’re an extremely stupid person that began life as a poor, violent man, only to see your fortunes turn once you started rapping, you won’t be able to relate to 99% of today’s rap music.

It’s mind blowing how absurd rappers are without any of us batting an eye. If I looked like Rick Ross, do you realize how much fun that would be? I’d literally get to say any combination of words without being judged. Proper societal standards just don’t apply to the Rick Ross’s of the world. They get to operate on a completely different playing field than the rest of us.

For the record, I love Rick Ross. I think he’s hilarious. But, I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to be funny. And I’m pretty sure he’s rich and famous from people taking him seriously. Which has to be amazing if you’re Rick Ross.

But I’m not Rick Ross. I’m a fucking 5’11’’ kike. And with everything in rap being as ridiculous as it is, how can I stand out if I’m just completely non-descript and forgettable?

So I decided that if I wanted to be absurd, I’d have to do it differently. I’d have to do it in ways that I could relate to. That’s my right.

If rappers get to say the N word every other line, I’m saying kike. If they get to rap explicitly about fucking girls, I’m rapping explicitly about my sexual experiences, which are too often tales of premature ejaculation, or just straight up masturbation.

If other rappers are going to brag about how grimy they are in a “hood” way, citing absurdities such as murder and jail time, I’m going to brag about how grimy I am hygienically, citing absurdities such as belly-button lint and pubic hair maintenance.

I can’t talk about fucking chicks and getting high in the club (do black people really get to smoke weed and have sex in their clubs? That sounds amazing), but I can certainly speak to how horrible it is to have to approach girls with nothing to say, getting too drunk to compensate, and eventually leaving angry, hungry, and alone.

I enjoy the absurdity of rap, I just wish I could relate to it. And as a rapper, I wish I could take part in it. So hopefully people see the method behind the madness that is Lil Dicky.

It’s not just a guy talking about his dick all the time. It’s more than that. It’s about my rights.

If they get to make videos like Tip Drill and just generally run amuck, then I can too. Granted, I have to do it differently than they do, but I should be allowed, and judged (or not judged) the way they are.

I’m just trying to have the same kind of fun I see Rick, Wayne, and all those dudes having.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

Currently unrated